The Thought Crime of Suicidal Ideation
Trigger Warning: This article speaks bluntly and in detail about suicidal thoughts and ideation. If this is triggering for you, please don’t read this article. If you are contemplating suicide, please speak with someone you can trust. And if you want to skip to the hopeful part of this article, scroll down to “The Answer Lies in Education.”
Before the war, I was a light. Humans, like moths, flew to me, clung to me, admired me. After the war, I became this. I am not a mirror. I am not a black hole. I do not refract, reflect or absorb. Now, I am a deterrent. I refer to others as humans as if I am not one. Everything is different now. Actually, nothing is different — I am. The demon of suicide haunts me. It is the shadow I carry with me. I don’t want life to end. I want this burden to be lifted, and don’t know how to make that happen. — Excerpt from my journal after my second psych ward visit.
Suicidal ideation is a thought crime. When I told someone I wanted to end my life, they put me in the equivalent of jail. I was escorted by the police to a building with no windows. I was stripped naked and told to squat and cough while a gloved attendant searched my body for drugs and weapons. Dressed in what looked like a prison uniform, I was locked in a room with bullet proof glass and security guards, and I wasn’t allowed to leave. I asked to leave and was told…
